Gratitude as Survival Strategy
by Kiely Todd Roska
Kiely Todd Roska is a co-founder of Wood and Water Retreats. She is chaplain-in-training who feels called to accompany grieving people. As of this writing, she is completing her first unit of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) with Social Justice CPE program and Volunteers of America. Much of that experience involves on-site service with individuals and groups. In addition, she meets weekly with a cohort of fellow chaplains-in-training and their supervisors.
Practicing Spiritual Care Together
This fall, I have spent every Thursday in the Minnesota Correctional Facility in Stillwater. Upon arrival, five of us (chaplains and chaplains-in-training) walk through multiple metal gates that offer an ominous clanging echo each time they close behind us. In the chapel, the four “insiders” greet the five “outsiders.” We set up chairs and offer hand shakes (because hugs are not allowed).
Together, these nine people form our clinical pastoral education (CPE) group, supporting one another as we practice spiritual care for 20 hours a week at various sites. Those who are not incarcerated serve at Volunteers of America sites. Those who are incarcerated practice spiritual care as mental health mentors, restorative justice facilitators, and through one-on-one conversations with fellow prisoners. Every Thursday, all nine of us meet in the prison chapel to offer one another feedback and encouragement.
Gratitude in Complex Circumstance
When it was Michael’s turn to lead the morning devotion, he walked to the whiteboard in his prison blues (jeans and a light blue button down) and wrote the word GRATITUDE in big black letters. In his sweet Southern drawl, he invited us to name things for which we were thankful. Michael kicked it off by telling us he was grateful for a good night of sleep and a conversation with his mother the day before.
The juxtaposition of his straightforward expressions of appreciation and his incarcerated reality gave depth to the spiritual care Michael offers. Gratitude, for Michael, wasn’t simply about manners and nice feelings. After 25 years in prison, gratitude has become part of his emotional and spiritual survival strategy. Living behind bars, Michael practices gratitude to maintain his humanity and dignity in an environment not built for that purpose. By cultivating the capacity to recognize good in small moments, Michael re-orients his relationship to others and to the world by refusing to give in to despair.
Focus on What We Want to Foster
As Michael (a beautiful and flawed human being) taught our group (of beautiful and flawed human beings), gratitude is essential to our humanity. Practicing gratitude helps us pay attention in a different way. It pulls our attention to the good. Not to deny injustice and harm or to erase anger, regret or loneliness, but to focus on what we want to foster. And as a shared practice, expressing genuine gratitude helps us affirm the worth and dignity of the people we live with and work with. Saying thank you is shorthand for I see you and you matter.
You Matter
I left that Thursday conversation reflecting on what a deeper practice of gratitude might mean in my own life. I hope these questions may be useful to you as well:
How might I identify the good that needs some attention even in a seemingly impossible situation?
How might I practice affirming others’ contributions in ways that say I see you and you matter?
In my communities, how might I help to create a culture where we deliberately practice gratitude as a way of affirming that we see each other and that we each matter?