From Discouraged to Soulful Courage

by Peter Watkins

Peter Watkins is a spiritual director and retreat leader. He holds a Master’s of Divinity degree from the University of St. Thomas/School of Divinity and supervises spiritual directors in training at Sacred Ground Center for Spirituality. Peter was a high school theology teacher at Cretin-Derham Hall high school in St. Paul for almost 30 years., where he often led student justice trips to Guatemala and pilgrimages on the Camino de Santiago in Spain. Peter helps lead ministry discernment groups for the Episcopal Church in Minnesota, he is a life-long runner, and is active in his church as a Sunday school story teller and is trained in giving the Ignatian spiritual exercises.

Connecting with Other Men

One of the great joys of my life has been gathering with men’s groups at church, at sporting events, or weekend fishing trips. I love the energy, the self-deprecating humor, the stories of grief, the laughter, the listening, and the connections. I have even been a part of a men’s group that meets twice a month and has done so for nearly thirty years. All of these gatherings have been tremendous blessings in my life. And yet I know that my experience with these groups is far from the norm. Perhaps that’s what makes me pay close attention when men say they are lonely, separated by so much that keeps us apart in our society today.

What it Means to Be a Real Man

I have been interested in masculine spirituality for a long time. One major reason for this is that I grew up hearing hurtful and false messages about “what it means to be a real man” -- Be tough all the time, never cry, rely on only two emotions: bored and angry. Anything “feminine” was forbidden and could very well be ridiculed at any time, so be on your guard.

In my adult life as a high school religion teacher at Cretin-Derham Hall, I began an elective class in the mid-90s for Junior boys called “Men’s Spirituality”. I taught it for about fifteen years. And what I discovered in reading countless reflection essays from these young men was that were so many of them (actually, now that I think about it, I would venture to say ALL of them to varying degrees) who were also hurt by very narrow and harmful messages of what it means to be a man. And like so many of us they tried to alter themselves to fit into them, a process that was, without doubt, dis-courage-ing.

Move from Dis-couragement

What many of these young men discovered through the class was that there are many ways and models of being a healthy generative man today. Many of them also discovered that the best antidote for “toxic masculinity” is getting together and “blessing the hell” out of each other. It’s not complicated. Simply gather, share our stories, and listen to each other with kindness. Being together in this way helps move us from discouragement to soulful courage. I kept teaching this class because these were the lessons I longed for back then, and they've become the lessons I continue to rely on as I try to live a courageous life today.